There are six of us, father, mother and four children-boy, girl, boy, girl. I am the first girl in the eldest boy-girl set. This family is a curious thing to me and at times I feel as though I am watching it work from the inside out. My father is in the other room with my younger brother right now, a situation that I would have been all too familiar with about 9 or 10 years ago. Somehow the tables have turned, the Lord has turned my passion and hard-headedness towards things other than fighting my parents, and I find myself watching reruns of my mistakes through my brother.
Is this process a necessary one? That some children must go through the fire in order to appreciate "where they have been?" There is quite a risk in this for I, for instance, might never have come that fire to find that on the other side I might look back and see how wrong I had been. We are told that one day it will all make sense, one day we will understand why we had to live through and do the things we did; perhaps I am simply not at the point yet. My relationship with my family, well, that is constantly shifting and adjusting isn't it? To learn to accept my mother's advice not because she can really help me in every situation but because she needs to give me advice, she needs to be my mother. To love my sister and to really allow her to open up to me because I do love her and because, for some God given reason, she needs me to do so. To try to understand the older brother who seems to not even understand himself; he is so much like me, not fully sharing everything that he is feeling. My younger brother, well, we have the same stubborn nature don't we? I want to just shake him and make him understand that things would be so much easier if only...if only....but he has to go through it as I did doesn't he? And my father is still learning patience. He is so incredibly talented and intelligent, God has a sense of humor in giving him such complicated children.
Needless to say, I am fascinated by our family dynamics and trying to figure out what happening while attempting to figure my own self out. I have been away from painting for too long and my hands crave a paintbrush...time to get to work.